Depression

I am finally opening up about something in my life that very few people know about me. Though it doesn't seam like it now for a number of years I went through depression. Although I was never depressed enough to hurt my self physically in anyway. It started when I was in high school in my second year of high school. I had just moved to San francisco from Berkeley. I wasn't faraway from my friends or anything but at the same time I felt really lonely and like I had no friends. I had no one I could turn to. I had a best friend who at the time was like a sister to me but she moved even further away around the time I had moved with my family to San francisco and we lost touch and I didnt think there was anyone in the world for me or anyone who I would like as much. While I can say no one will ever take her place completely I did find other people. That year of high school I didn't really feel like I belonged anywhere I had friends but not the real kind not real friends anyway. One girl wanted me to bully other students which I refused another girl I came to find out was taking drugs. I was also in a real turning point in my life. Junior year of high school wasnt much better. I had a math teacher who was very arrogant and he would tell me how stupid I was because I couldn't figure out the problem. That really didn't help my self esteem. Senior year I changed schools. It was ok it was better than my last school though I had a really hard time keeping friends which was maybe a good thing because I wasnt really in the right crowed. Though back then now that I look back at it I think I was depressed because I didn't really know who I was as a person I would always try to be someone I wasn't, I was always trying to please other people trying to get them to like me but they never really knew the real me. I thought if they knew who I really was that they wouldn't like me as a person.I had a friend I would hang out with often but I always kind of knew deep down she wasn't the friend for me. We didn't really have anything in common and she didn't like who I was whenever I would try to give her little glimpses of my self she didn't like them so I kept my self hidden because back then I would do anything for a friend and any friend was better than no friend. Until I met one of my first real friends in a long time during the summer of 2007. Even though at first I had tried to mask myself as first like I had with all my other "friends" it didn't work and she saw right through it. Little by little I let my self I started to feel things again I had been numb for so long and for the first time in years I laughed, I really laughed and it felt so good to just laugh. We are still friends that summer was a bliss and I wasn't depressed anymore for a little while. Though not as bad as before I was still depressed the fallowing school year my mom had just been diagnosed with her first bout with cancer. My mom and I didn't always see eye to eye on a lot of things and we used to fight all the time. I was growing up and we had very different opinions about what was in my best interest and what was good for me. I finished high school and for the next two years I was in and out of college I didn't really know what I wanted or who I wanted to be. My friend came back to visit so I was happy for that summer but that fall was another low point for me. I moved out not in the way I would have wanted but my relationship with my mom had gotten so bad we were fighting about everything mostly friends and relationships we had very different opinions about who I should be hanging out with and keeping as company. It finally got so bad we couldn't stand each other and I moved out I didn't really talk to my mother for six months a time that I regret. I made friends with people my mother hated and in return they hated her though they aren't in my life anymore. The constant fighting made me depressed. I ended up moving in with some awful roommates through a program called Golden Gate housing. They were loud, They would yell at me for everything. It was like I couldn't do anything right in that house because somebody would always complain. Thought now I think that was just the kick in the pants I needed to help me make a change and realize that my mom was trying to help me. My roommates hated my mom and my mom couldn't stand seeing me being treated that way. Pretty much my everyday on weekdays was get up eat breakfast, take a shower, go to program, go home go to bed or use the computer, eat dinner and go back to bed and on weekends I would just spend the whole day in bed because I was afraid every time I would leave that room I would get yelled at. I wasn't allowed to go see my friends and I wasn't allowed to have anyone over. I was alone all the time.  I would just sit by myself in my room with my computer.  I spent a year and six months in that house with those roommates. Then finally one day my life would change forever and I am so glad it did. I had entered in a lottery for a new apartment building that was being built. I didn't think I would win but I put my name in anyway. About a month later I got the news my name had been drawn and I had a new apartment. I jumped at the chance my roommates were not so happy. They kept making up excuses on why I shouldn't move out because I wasn't ready but I had made up my mind I was moving. When I moved into my apartment and tasted freedom for the first time things began to change. I didn't have to worry about being yelled at anymore. I could invited my friends over once I made some. My neighbor down the hall became my friend. I made some friends through the program I attended and I started Best Buddies. I didn't think much of Best Buddies at the time but I really needed something to do and my friends attended so it would give me some more time to spend with my friends. I don't think I realized then how much Best Buddies would help me and how much Best Buddies would change my life forever. A year later I decided to go back to school and get a degree in digital arts. A few months into the fall semester though and my mom passed away from her second bout with cancer after battling it for seven years. I was really depressed losing my mom was probably one of the hardest tings I have ever had to go through. Though just as hard was watching her deteriorate it was so frightening because I never knew what moment would be her last. After losing my mom  I began to make even more changes. I began to separate myself from friends that weren't so good. I started to realize because of my kind giving nature that some "friends" were actually using me especially after losing my mom they good friends and bad friends really started to show themselves. Now I could really see. Some people behaved in ways I didn't expect them to. Good and bad ways. Now I was involved in best buddies not for any friend but for myself. Once I let best buddies help me I realized how good things could be for me. I began to change in ways I never expected. It was through best buddies that I learned to find my voice and take bad experiences and turn them into good. I have good friends now through best buddies. Real ones now I can go on adventures and share new experiences and have lots of fun with my life the type of fun I had been missing out on for years. I even became a Best Buddies ambassador this year. I got my first real paying job and I have friends now. I am happy :)